Friday, January 30, 2009

Cry Me a River

Today I had a flashback to about 6.5 years ago when I was studying for the California bar. I remembered that I was so stressed that I would just start crying for no reason. It happened a lot, probably every other day or so. Well, it happened to me today. I was sitting outside in the warm Dallas sun waiting for a phone call and boom - I started crying. There were no crocodile tears, but enough that I wished I'd had a tissue. Then my phone rang and I had to put my tears on hold.

After hanging up my cell, I started thinking about how overwhelming it was when I studied for the California exam. I had one responsibility and one responsibility only - to pass that awful test. I devoted two whole months to nothing but studying. And even then, it felt like I'd never pass, that I'd never have enough time to learn all of the material, etc.

Fast forward to today - we're going over answers to a six-hour, 200 question multiple choice test we took yesterday in bar review class. I scored 106 out of 200. That's right. Barely over 50%. Believe it or not, that's not AWFUL by bar standards, but I've got my work cut out for me.

I started thinking about some of my classmates who were scoring in the 120s, 130s and 140s. I wondered if my score would've been higher if life wasn't overwhelming me right now - if I didn't have a son on the verge of being diagnosed with autism, if I hadn't crunched my car last week, if Ryan had a job, if Bryn was a little bit older so I wasn't missing out on her milestornes, if the kids hadn't gotten sick a few weeks ago, if I didn't have to work every week, etc. Unfortunately, the bar isn't concerned with my life, so for the next 3.5 weeks, I have to pretend as if I don't have one so that I can pass this test. That thought alone is enough to make anyone cry.

So I did what any girl would do in this situation - I went shopping and got a massage. Woo!

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